I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
