don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
