I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
