moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
