I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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