How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
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