Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My penis needs a shock collar
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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