perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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