It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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