my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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