Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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