I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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