he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
