why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
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More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
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We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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