someone threw a dead crab at me
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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