you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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