All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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