We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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