and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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