Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
