yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
