I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
