Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
