Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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