my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
