So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
