I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize