Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
where does the pee come out of this thing
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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