this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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