If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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