Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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