Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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