what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize