Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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