how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
