she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
