I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
