Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
