sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i now understand why vodka
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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