I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
