At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
