Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
