I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
