On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
