He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
