My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
