what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
