its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
We need a shit load of segways right now
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
