hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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