the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
