two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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