guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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