I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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