Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
