ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
