there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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